"We Have Jobs, Kids, and a Mortgage! How Can We Make Times for Ourselves?"

For this month’s article I wanted to discuss the concept of protecting alone time with your spouse after having children.  Often times when couples transition to being parents, they experience stress on their relationship; too much arguing, too little sex, too much stress about money, and not enough understanding.   The demands of this life transition can serve to  either bring a couple closer together or to drive them apart.   One of the deciding factors as to whether these stressors bring you together or tear you apart is the amount of time you spend together.  When I ask couples who are struggling how much time they spend together, the answer is often “Our lives are too busy to spend any alone time together”. 

 While most parents intuitively sense the trouble with this this response, it is also easy to understand how difficult it is to actually protect time for each other.  The truth of the matter is that when you have young children, protecting time to be alone with your partner is inconvenient and inefficient.  Deciding not  to protect this time together, however, is a decision that ultimately erodes your sense of closeness as well as your ability to solve problems together.   

 Research suggests that couples who restructure as little as five hours per week for their relationship are likely to show significant relational improvement.  The following is a guideline developed by Dr. John Gottman which can help.   Good Luck!  

THE MAGIC FIVE HOURS A WEEK 

PARTINGS-  Don’t part in the morning with out knowing one interesting thing that will happen in your spouse’s day (2 minutes a day x 5 days working:  total 10 minutes)

REUNIONS- Take 10 minutes to talk about your day (the stress-reducing conversation)  Partners alternate in actively listening.   Rule:  Support and understanding must precede advice (20 minutes a day x 5 days: total 1 hour 40 minutes)

ADMIRATION AND APPRECIATION-  Find some way every day to genuinely communicate affection and appreciation toward your spouse.  (5 minutes a day x 7 days : total 35 minutes)

AFFECTION-  Kiss hold, grab, touch each other.  Play is good.  Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep and before parting each day --  (5 minutes a day x7 days: total 35 minutes)

LOVE MAPS AND ARGUING-  Take at least 2 hours a week for a marital date.  During this date couples do a number of things, such as updating their love maps, turning toward one another, discussing conflictual issues, repairing failed bids, and often just asking one another how each is.  Some think of questions to ask their spouses (eg.  “how are you thinking of changing the bedroom these days?  or What would be your idea of a great getaway?  or How are you thinking about your work these days?)

Danielle Dougherty, LCSW is a psychotherapist in Boulder who specializes in working with postpartum women and couples with young children.  Danielle also runs regular Baby-proofing Your Marriage workshops in Boulder.  If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment, please feel free to call or e-mail at:  303-550-3874/ danielledougherty1@gmail.com

Improve Your Life Without Changing A Thing

Often in my monthly articles I write simple suggestions about how to enact positive changes in your relationships.  For this March issue I am wanting to focus on the concept of Radical Acceptance, which is in some ways, opposite, yet fundamental to the notion of change.  As a mother and therapist, I am regularly reminded of how the ability to deeply accept situations just as they are is a prerequisite to any kind of change that happens in life.  Often times when we feel stuck in our relationships, it is hard to recognize how acceptance can be an equally legitimate response as the impulse to “fix it”.          

What is Radical Acceptance?  

Radical acceptance the ability to say “yes” to the circumstances in our lives as opposed to resisting what we know to be true. Radical acceptance is one way a person may increase their ability to feel fully alive in their world despite the circumstances of one’s life.  Most people have an inborn reaction that prompts us to draw back and avoid what is difficult in our life.  Sometimes this response is adaptive, such as pulling back when you put your hand on a hot stove.  Sometimes, however, the habit of drawing back gets in the way of our ability to feel the richness of our experience and participate in our own lives.   Instead of living our lives fully, we use our mental energy to complain, compare, judge, and worry.  

Rain in Oregon

One of my first and most vivid experiences of Radical Acceptance was working as a wilderness therapist in Oregon, (A time long before children or marriage!). I remember a particular expedition in which we traveled day in and day out in rain.   I kept wishing the rain would just stop.  On a daily basis, I found myself fighting the reality that I was getting wet, once again.  My resistance would start with little drops pattering on my skin.  First I would wonder if it was really going to rain or, maybe,… preferably, it would just “sprinkle”.... My mind kept saying “please don’t rain…please don’t rain”....  It then started raining harder.  I found myself gradually getting more and more wet.  My mind spun with what I “could-of” and what “should-of” done differently, or how it would be better if I wasn’t in this situation at all.  As my mind raced, the rain would start to fall harder.   Before I knew it,  I was not just damp, but I was drenched.

Resistance to Acceptance 

It was in this moment that I experienced a shift in my mind which captures the experience of Radical Acceptance.  Instead of feeling resentful for the rain, I felt more alive than ever.  I recognized that as my mind shifted, a smile had spread across my face.   I was in the same situation I was in five minutes before, but my mind had changed completely.   I could suddenly focus on the sweet smell of rain.  The forest felt fresh, deep, and green as the rain continued to fall.  I could even feel a spring to my step. Instead of fighting this experience, I was able to absorb myself into it.  I hiked on, knowing I would get to my raincoat at the next break, but in the meantime, I had already arrived.    

I Live Inside, How Will This Help Me?

Radical acceptance allows you to relax into your life situation and to feel your experience more deeply.  Once we are able to relax in our lives we are able to reduce our tendency to fight what is true in our life.  This ability to settle down and accept ourselves gives us space to breathe.   From this place, solutions often surface from a more creative, calm place.   Starting with acceptance allows us to bring compassion to ourselves instead of beating up ourselves and others over who and where we are in the moment.  

If I Cultivate Radical Acceptance, I Won’t Change

Many people fear that in learning to accept themselves and their life situations, they will never be able to grow or change.   Quite the opposite of this is true, however.  Once a person learns to truly accept who they are and where they are in the moment, they have access to a higher level of creative thought and sense perceptions.  The experience is that of feeling relaxed and at ease.  It is from this place that it is possible to make true and lasting change.  

First Ask Whether There is Anything You Can Change Right Now, In This Moment.

 In developing radical acceptance it is important to make the distinctions between situations that can be changed immediately, and situations that need time to change, and situations that may never change.  Making these distinctions helps us reduce the extent to which we suffer in the moment.   If there is something concrete you could change in the moment, do so.  If you are in a situation that can not be changed immediately, take this as an opportunity to develop a sense of acceptance of the moment.   

Three Ways to Cultivate Radical Acceptance:

1. Make the conscious decision to tolerate the moment by accepting what is.  
2. Recognize that to accept something is not the same as judging it as good.
3. Remember that developing acceptance is something that we have decide to do over and over.  Our habit is to resist our life.  Reversing this habit takes practice and patience.  

Stuck Outside in the Rain

We have all experienced moments where life has felt uncomfortable, unbearable, and it feels as if there is no escape. As a mother, a therapist, and a wilderness guide,  I have had more than my share of these moments.   Marriage and parenthood can be rich ground for many of these uncomfortable moments.  The use of radical acceptance is not intended to interfere with our ability to solve problems.  Some problems, however, can not be solved immediately, but take time find their way to solution.  Our ability to be with ourselves unconditionally allows this process to unfold.  As my story ended, I of course did eventually make it to our planned destination and was able to dig my coat out from the bottom of my pack to get dry.   While it was good to get dry, what was more important was that in the moment I was able to replace chaos and suffering with manageable pain.   The good news is that we are all capable of this choice at any given moment in our lives, we just have to decide.  

Danielle Dougherty, LCSW is a psychotherapist in Boulder who specializes in working with postpartum women and couples with young children. Danielle runs Baby-proofing Your Marriage workshops in the community and offers a free Emotional Wellness Clinic for postpartum women. If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment, please feel free to call or e-mail at: 303-550-3874/ danielledougherty1@gmail.com

A Simple Valentine's Idea

The topic of this month’s article is increasing a sense of love and admiration for your partner.  In the early phases of most relationships, feelings of infatuation and love for your partner can feel boundless.  As commitments to each other deepen with children and shared responsibilities,  it is easy for a relationship to start to feel more like one big “to do” list than a relationship based on that original passion.  

Taking time to be more deliberate in expressing positive feelings you have for your spouse is a simple, enjoyable habit that can bring large rewards to your relationship.  The idea is that the more you cultivate naturally existing positive thoughts for your spouse, the more often these loving thoughts dominate your mind and reality.    

There is research to show that when positive thoughts about your spouse dominate your relationship, couples are more able to overcome conflict than the couples who have overriding negative feelings towards each other.    Over-riding positive feelings in a relationship, in fact, are more important than any kind of technical communication skill that a couple might use to solve a conflict.   

I wanted to pass along an exercise that could be helpful in being more deliberate in expressing our love.  I also thought this exercise could be the basis of a wonderful love letter.   Of course, I encourage people to exchange notes and communication like this with your spouse regularly, but Valentines is a great time to start!   

Danielle

Gottman “I Appreciate...” Adjective Checklist

Instructions:  It is important to examine the positive aspects of your partner’s personality.  Many times when people are upset with one another they lose sight of all these positive aspects of the partner and the relationship.  If these positive areas of a partner or of the marriage get acknowledged and discussed, change is often more possible. 

For a few moments we’d like you to think about selected aspects of your partner’s personality.  Even if there was only one instance of this characteristic in your partner’s personality, we’d like you to think about it.  Circle three to five items that you think are characteristic, even slightly of your partner at times.  For each item you check, briefly think of an actual incident that illustrates this characteristic.   You will then share this with your partner either verbally or in writing.  

loving

involved

sensitive

expressive

brave

active

intelligent

careful

thoughtful

reserved

generous

adventurous

loyal

receptive

truthful

reliable

strong

responsible

energetic

dependable

sexy

nurturing

decisive

warm

creative

virile

imaginative

kind

fun

gentle

attractive

practical

interesting

lusty

supportive

witty

funny

relaxed

considerate

beautiful

affectionate

handsome

organized

rich

resourceful

calm

athletic

lively

cheerful

a great partner

coordinated

a great parent

graceful

assertive

elegant

protective

gracious

sweet

playful

tender

caring

powerful

a great friend

flexible

exciting

understanding

thrifty

totally silly

future-thinking

shy

committed

vulnerable 

*From John M. Gottman, Clinical Manual for Marital Therapy, 2001. 

Danielle Dougherty, LCSW is a psychotherapist in Boulder who specializes in working with postpartum women and couples with young children.  Danielle also runs regular Baby-proofing Your Marriage workshops in Boulder.  If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment, please feel free to call or e-mail at:  303-550-3874/ danielledougherty1@gmail.com

Welcome!

Welcome to Parentʼs Circle! For the New Year I am going to be posting monthly ideas and articles on how to keep your relationship with your partner strong, happy, and connected after having kids.

Many parents feel a loss of their sense of connection with their spouse after the birth of a child. Itʼs all to easy to feel disconnected when juggling the demands of childcare, work, family, and finances. My hope is that these ideas and articles will provide a moment in your day where you can focus positive intent on your relationship with your spouse.

This monthʼs topic, “Discussing ʻHot Topicsʼ with Your Partner” is intended to help couples soften the way they broach difficult topics. Most couples I work with in therapy have a handful of subjects that are particularly difficult to discuss peacefully. Many times each partner feels that if their partner would just “listen” better, the problem would be solved. As it turns out however, paying attention to the way in which we bring up a difficult conversation may be just as important as what it is that we have to say.

Research has found that the way in which a difficult conversation begins determines the outcome of that conversation with a 96% accuracy . Researchers were able to predict whether a conversation would end with a sense of closeness or distance within the first three minutes of a conversation. Conversations that were brought up more “softly” appeared to have a greater level of success.

If you are wanting to bring up a difficult conversation with your spouse, it could be helpful to review some of the following ideas as to how you might “soften” the way in which you bring up the conversation. Be sure to use these guidelines in a setting that is calm, as opposed to a background of crying or whining kids! Good luck!

Rules for Softened Start-Up

In the initial start-up complaint sentence, complain but donʼt blame: Lets assume you have complaint to make or a gripe you want to discuss with your partner. Complaining is okay, but criticizing is not. Take the blaming out of the complaining. Talk about what you are feeling and how to perceive things, presenting these as your perceptions, not as absolute truth.

Start with Something Positive. posing problems in a positive context can often make it easier for your partner to hear a complaint. Think of a time when this issue was better and express appreciation of your partnerʼs actions during that time. For example, instead of saying “you are not affectionate when we watch TV” Say, “I liked it the last time you held me during that romantic movie. I wish you would do that more often”.

Make statements that start with “I” instead of “you” Child psychologist Halm Ginott (and later Thomas Gordon) noticed that statements that start with the word “I” instead of the word “you” are less likely to be critical and to make the partner defensive. Try to state what you are feeling in this particular situation with a complaint sentence that starts with they word “I”. Instead of saying “You are not listening to me” just rephrase this as “I would like it if youʼd listen to me”.

Describe what is happening, donʼt evaluate or judge Instead of accusing or blaming just describe what you see happening. For example, instead of saying “ You donʼt help clean up” say “I seem to be winding up doing all the housecleaning today”

Talk Clearly About What You NeedInstead of asking your partner to guess what you need or to read your mind, just say it explicitly. For example, instead of saying “ This dining room is a total mess” say “Iʼd appreciate it if you would clean your stuff off the dining room table.”

Be Polite Make requests politely, adding such phrases such as “please” and “I would appreciate it if ....” Politeness can go a long way and it is contagious.

Express Appreciation If your partner has, at some time, been better in this situation, then ask for what you need and couch it within an appreciation of what your partner did right in the past and how much you miss that now.

Donʼt Store Things Up While being specific is better than launching a global criticism, storing things up so that you hava a barrage of complaints in the “chute” is not a good idea.

Restate Your Feelings In Terms of More Vulnerable Emotions Emotions that make you want to withdraw from the world, like sadness and fear also convey your vulnerability and this may be easier for your partner to respond to than the emotions associated with resentment. At times there may be a softer emotion “behind” your harder emotion. For example, behind your anger or resentment there may be hurt, disappointment, fear, or insecurity. If you can rephrase your anger and resentment in terms of these more vulnerable emotions, sometimes they are easier for your partner to hear. For example, instead of saying “It make me mad when you donʼt pay attention to me at parties” see if it makes sense for you to say, “I get lonely (or insecure) when you donʼt pay attention to me at parties”

*From John M. Gottman, Clinical Manual for Marital Therapy, 2001.

Danielle Dougherty, LCSW is a psychotherapist in Boulder who specializes in working with postpartum women and couples with young children. Danielle runs Baby-proofing Your Marriage workshops in the community. If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment, please feel free to call or e-mail at: 303-550-3874/ danielledougherty1@gmail.com