Welcome!

Welcome to Parentʼs Circle! For the New Year I am going to be posting monthly ideas and articles on how to keep your relationship with your partner strong, happy, and connected after having kids.

Many parents feel a loss of their sense of connection with their spouse after the birth of a child. Itʼs all to easy to feel disconnected when juggling the demands of childcare, work, family, and finances. My hope is that these ideas and articles will provide a moment in your day where you can focus positive intent on your relationship with your spouse.

This monthʼs topic, “Discussing ʻHot Topicsʼ with Your Partner” is intended to help couples soften the way they broach difficult topics. Most couples I work with in therapy have a handful of subjects that are particularly difficult to discuss peacefully. Many times each partner feels that if their partner would just “listen” better, the problem would be solved. As it turns out however, paying attention to the way in which we bring up a difficult conversation may be just as important as what it is that we have to say.

Research has found that the way in which a difficult conversation begins determines the outcome of that conversation with a 96% accuracy . Researchers were able to predict whether a conversation would end with a sense of closeness or distance within the first three minutes of a conversation. Conversations that were brought up more “softly” appeared to have a greater level of success.

If you are wanting to bring up a difficult conversation with your spouse, it could be helpful to review some of the following ideas as to how you might “soften” the way in which you bring up the conversation. Be sure to use these guidelines in a setting that is calm, as opposed to a background of crying or whining kids! Good luck!

Rules for Softened Start-Up

In the initial start-up complaint sentence, complain but donʼt blame: Lets assume you have complaint to make or a gripe you want to discuss with your partner. Complaining is okay, but criticizing is not. Take the blaming out of the complaining. Talk about what you are feeling and how to perceive things, presenting these as your perceptions, not as absolute truth.

Start with Something Positive. posing problems in a positive context can often make it easier for your partner to hear a complaint. Think of a time when this issue was better and express appreciation of your partnerʼs actions during that time. For example, instead of saying “you are not affectionate when we watch TV” Say, “I liked it the last time you held me during that romantic movie. I wish you would do that more often”.

Make statements that start with “I” instead of “you” Child psychologist Halm Ginott (and later Thomas Gordon) noticed that statements that start with the word “I” instead of the word “you” are less likely to be critical and to make the partner defensive. Try to state what you are feeling in this particular situation with a complaint sentence that starts with they word “I”. Instead of saying “You are not listening to me” just rephrase this as “I would like it if youʼd listen to me”.

Describe what is happening, donʼt evaluate or judge Instead of accusing or blaming just describe what you see happening. For example, instead of saying “ You donʼt help clean up” say “I seem to be winding up doing all the housecleaning today”

Talk Clearly About What You NeedInstead of asking your partner to guess what you need or to read your mind, just say it explicitly. For example, instead of saying “ This dining room is a total mess” say “Iʼd appreciate it if you would clean your stuff off the dining room table.”

Be Polite Make requests politely, adding such phrases such as “please” and “I would appreciate it if ....” Politeness can go a long way and it is contagious.

Express Appreciation If your partner has, at some time, been better in this situation, then ask for what you need and couch it within an appreciation of what your partner did right in the past and how much you miss that now.

Donʼt Store Things Up While being specific is better than launching a global criticism, storing things up so that you hava a barrage of complaints in the “chute” is not a good idea.

Restate Your Feelings In Terms of More Vulnerable Emotions Emotions that make you want to withdraw from the world, like sadness and fear also convey your vulnerability and this may be easier for your partner to respond to than the emotions associated with resentment. At times there may be a softer emotion “behind” your harder emotion. For example, behind your anger or resentment there may be hurt, disappointment, fear, or insecurity. If you can rephrase your anger and resentment in terms of these more vulnerable emotions, sometimes they are easier for your partner to hear. For example, instead of saying “It make me mad when you donʼt pay attention to me at parties” see if it makes sense for you to say, “I get lonely (or insecure) when you donʼt pay attention to me at parties”

*From John M. Gottman, Clinical Manual for Marital Therapy, 2001.

Danielle Dougherty, LCSW is a psychotherapist in Boulder who specializes in working with postpartum women and couples with young children. Danielle runs Baby-proofing Your Marriage workshops in the community. If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment, please feel free to call or e-mail at: 303-550-3874/ danielledougherty1@gmail.com