A Simple Valentine's Idea
Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 10:37PM The topic of this month’s article is increasing a sense of love and admiration for your partner. In the early phases of most relationships, feelings of infatuation and love for your partner can feel boundless. As commitments to each other deepen with children and shared responsibilities, it is easy for a relationship to start to feel more like one big “to do” list than a relationship based on that original passion.
Taking time to be more deliberate in expressing positive feelings you have for your spouse is a simple, enjoyable habit that can bring large rewards to your relationship. The idea is that the more you cultivate naturally existing positive thoughts for your spouse, the more often these loving thoughts dominate your mind and reality.
There is research to show that when positive thoughts about your spouse dominate your relationship, couples are more able to overcome conflict than the couples who have overriding negative feelings towards each other. Over-riding positive feelings in a relationship, in fact, are more important than any kind of technical communication skill that a couple might use to solve a conflict.
I wanted to pass along an exercise that could be helpful in being more deliberate in expressing our love. I also thought this exercise could be the basis of a wonderful love letter. Of course, I encourage people to exchange notes and communication like this with your spouse regularly, but Valentines is a great time to start!
Danielle
Gottman “I Appreciate...” Adjective Checklist
Instructions: It is important to examine the positive aspects of your partner’s personality. Many times when people are upset with one another they lose sight of all these positive aspects of the partner and the relationship. If these positive areas of a partner or of the marriage get acknowledged and discussed, change is often more possible.
For a few moments we’d like you to think about selected aspects of your partner’s personality. Even if there was only one instance of this characteristic in your partner’s personality, we’d like you to think about it. Circle three to five items that you think are characteristic, even slightly of your partner at times. For each item you check, briefly think of an actual incident that illustrates this characteristic. You will then share this with your partner either verbally or in writing.
loving
involved
sensitive
expressive
brave
active
intelligent
careful
thoughtful
reserved
generous
adventurous
loyal
receptive
truthful
reliable
strong
responsible
energetic
dependable
sexy
nurturing
decisive
warm
creative
virile
imaginative
kind
fun
gentle
attractive
practical
interesting
lusty
supportive
witty
funny
relaxed
considerate
beautiful
affectionate
handsome
organized
rich
resourceful
calm
athletic
lively
cheerful
a great partner
coordinated
a great parent
graceful
assertive
elegant
protective
gracious
sweet
playful
tender
caring
powerful
a great friend
flexible
exciting
understanding
thrifty
totally silly
future-thinking
shy
committed
vulnerable
*From John M. Gottman, Clinical Manual for Marital Therapy, 2001.
Danielle Dougherty, LCSW is a psychotherapist in Boulder who specializes in working with postpartum women and couples with young children. Danielle also runs regular Baby-proofing Your Marriage workshops in Boulder. If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment, please feel free to call or e-mail at: 303-550-3874/ danielledougherty1@gmail.com
Reader Comments (1)
Thanks for the great article! I linked it to my facebook page.