Improve Your Life Without Changing A Thing

Often in my monthly articles I write simple suggestions about how to enact positive changes in your relationships.  For this March issue I am wanting to focus on the concept of Radical Acceptance, which is in some ways, opposite, yet fundamental to the notion of change.  As a mother and therapist, I am regularly reminded of how the ability to deeply accept situations just as they are is a prerequisite to any kind of change that happens in life.  Often times when we feel stuck in our relationships, it is hard to recognize how acceptance can be an equally legitimate response as the impulse to “fix it”.          

What is Radical Acceptance?  

Radical acceptance the ability to say “yes” to the circumstances in our lives as opposed to resisting what we know to be true. Radical acceptance is one way a person may increase their ability to feel fully alive in their world despite the circumstances of one’s life.  Most people have an inborn reaction that prompts us to draw back and avoid what is difficult in our life.  Sometimes this response is adaptive, such as pulling back when you put your hand on a hot stove.  Sometimes, however, the habit of drawing back gets in the way of our ability to feel the richness of our experience and participate in our own lives.   Instead of living our lives fully, we use our mental energy to complain, compare, judge, and worry.  

Rain in Oregon

One of my first and most vivid experiences of Radical Acceptance was working as a wilderness therapist in Oregon, (A time long before children or marriage!). I remember a particular expedition in which we traveled day in and day out in rain.   I kept wishing the rain would just stop.  On a daily basis, I found myself fighting the reality that I was getting wet, once again.  My resistance would start with little drops pattering on my skin.  First I would wonder if it was really going to rain or, maybe,… preferably, it would just “sprinkle”.... My mind kept saying “please don’t rain…please don’t rain”....  It then started raining harder.  I found myself gradually getting more and more wet.  My mind spun with what I “could-of” and what “should-of” done differently, or how it would be better if I wasn’t in this situation at all.  As my mind raced, the rain would start to fall harder.   Before I knew it,  I was not just damp, but I was drenched.

Resistance to Acceptance 

It was in this moment that I experienced a shift in my mind which captures the experience of Radical Acceptance.  Instead of feeling resentful for the rain, I felt more alive than ever.  I recognized that as my mind shifted, a smile had spread across my face.   I was in the same situation I was in five minutes before, but my mind had changed completely.   I could suddenly focus on the sweet smell of rain.  The forest felt fresh, deep, and green as the rain continued to fall.  I could even feel a spring to my step. Instead of fighting this experience, I was able to absorb myself into it.  I hiked on, knowing I would get to my raincoat at the next break, but in the meantime, I had already arrived.    

I Live Inside, How Will This Help Me?

Radical acceptance allows you to relax into your life situation and to feel your experience more deeply.  Once we are able to relax in our lives we are able to reduce our tendency to fight what is true in our life.  This ability to settle down and accept ourselves gives us space to breathe.   From this place, solutions often surface from a more creative, calm place.   Starting with acceptance allows us to bring compassion to ourselves instead of beating up ourselves and others over who and where we are in the moment.  

If I Cultivate Radical Acceptance, I Won’t Change

Many people fear that in learning to accept themselves and their life situations, they will never be able to grow or change.   Quite the opposite of this is true, however.  Once a person learns to truly accept who they are and where they are in the moment, they have access to a higher level of creative thought and sense perceptions.  The experience is that of feeling relaxed and at ease.  It is from this place that it is possible to make true and lasting change.  

First Ask Whether There is Anything You Can Change Right Now, In This Moment.

 In developing radical acceptance it is important to make the distinctions between situations that can be changed immediately, and situations that need time to change, and situations that may never change.  Making these distinctions helps us reduce the extent to which we suffer in the moment.   If there is something concrete you could change in the moment, do so.  If you are in a situation that can not be changed immediately, take this as an opportunity to develop a sense of acceptance of the moment.   

Three Ways to Cultivate Radical Acceptance:

1. Make the conscious decision to tolerate the moment by accepting what is.  
2. Recognize that to accept something is not the same as judging it as good.
3. Remember that developing acceptance is something that we have decide to do over and over.  Our habit is to resist our life.  Reversing this habit takes practice and patience.  

Stuck Outside in the Rain

We have all experienced moments where life has felt uncomfortable, unbearable, and it feels as if there is no escape. As a mother, a therapist, and a wilderness guide,  I have had more than my share of these moments.   Marriage and parenthood can be rich ground for many of these uncomfortable moments.  The use of radical acceptance is not intended to interfere with our ability to solve problems.  Some problems, however, can not be solved immediately, but take time find their way to solution.  Our ability to be with ourselves unconditionally allows this process to unfold.  As my story ended, I of course did eventually make it to our planned destination and was able to dig my coat out from the bottom of my pack to get dry.   While it was good to get dry, what was more important was that in the moment I was able to replace chaos and suffering with manageable pain.   The good news is that we are all capable of this choice at any given moment in our lives, we just have to decide.  

Danielle Dougherty, LCSW is a psychotherapist in Boulder who specializes in working with postpartum women and couples with young children. Danielle runs Baby-proofing Your Marriage workshops in the community and offers a free Emotional Wellness Clinic for postpartum women. If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment, please feel free to call or e-mail at: 303-550-3874/ danielledougherty1@gmail.com